I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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