How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
