I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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