im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
