My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
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I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
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Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize