I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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