I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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