in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
