mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I think I sprained my soul last night
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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