you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
