I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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