I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.