Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
