So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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