i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
