I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
