at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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