I think I died a long time ago.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
