This is not my ceiling
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
