I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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