i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
