hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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