Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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