I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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