I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
