hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
