Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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