Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
