that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
