now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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