i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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