Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
