Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
