waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
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I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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