Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
