She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
