But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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