so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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