Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
