my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
