ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
