I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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