My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
