i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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