No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
