I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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