jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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