The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
