Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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