i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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