so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
