you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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