My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
