Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
