if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize