just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
