I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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